


Being lost to be found

by Kara_luna



Category: star wars the clone wars
Genre: Adventure, BAMF Ahsoka Tano, Canon Divergence, F/M, Politics, Romance, alternative universe, clones kinda DONT exist for a little while, no beta we die like (wo)men, yoda is wise and overly criptic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 14:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19133689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kara_luna/pseuds/Kara_luna
Summary: They said she would never make it, she would be dead of starvation in a month.They whispered and snickered at the stupid youngling who for one-second thought she amounted to anything without the order. Without the Jedi.But let them laugh and gossip, let them hate her. Ahsoka had only ever been an outcast. She'd only ever been the outsider looking in and wishing so desperately to be something more than a lightsaber.She would survive in the criminal underworld of Coruscant, where those who didn't belong gathered, a place so dark and devoid of the sun, that the residents forever lived in the dark. She would survive and she would prove that she was no peacekeeper, but she was one hell of a fighter.The once padawan will fight for everything she is and everything she loves while rediscovering what family truly means, what trust is worth, and just how much she is willing to risk for someone else's justice. Because in the end, there are no heroes, and it's those closest to us that break us the worst, so hurry little girl, run, run, run. The past is coming for you, and this time you just might be swallowed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Changes to the canon:  
> Palpatine isn't a Sith Lord (he's still an obnoxious f*cker, and ain't getting a happy ending)  
> Duchess satine is alive and ruling mandalor (Darth Maul has been high fived in the face with a lightsaber)  
> No order 66 (still conflict though, political stuff that probably is unneeded but whatever)  
> Deathwatch has left the chat (permanently)  
> I did some research about it and despite the prequel movies, the extended universe of star wars shows Jedi that have wives/husbands and are still allowed in the order. So I'm gonna say for this stories canon, the no marriage thing is more stigma than an actual rule and there are no punishments for it.   
> THERE WILL BE SHIPS. Which ships? Spoilers! ;) If you got that reference you are officially my friend, you don't have a choice in the matter.  
> Oh and did you know that padme was 14 when she met anakin who was 9?! Okay so then I looked it up and apparently Ahsoka is 14 in clone wars while anakin is 19 so same age gap. This is gonna be different though cause by the time ahsoka leaves the order she is AT LEAST 15 and that plus the time jump in this story means she's 18 or over so no worries my dudes 👍  
> THE MORE YOU KNOW 🌈

**Greasy pubs and liquor bottles**

* * *

 

 _Bitter. The glass of ardees is bitter. As I probably should have expected from the city's underbelly I suppose,_ Ahsoka's mind grumbled, unsatisfied by the mug of fruity drink pressed between her fingers.  
  
 Money wasted most would have said, but not her, not as she watched the patrons of the musty old bar mutter about the latest smuggling job or police visit. The corusant underworld was a mixture of thugs and thieves all following a simple code of conduct. Never trust anyone, never turn your back, and never, NEVER, reveal your identity.   
  
The togruta took another small sip of the fermented liquid and leaned back on the two stubby legs of the rickety old stool, situated at the back of the bar where she could see everyone and only a few would spot her.

Three years away from safety and security may seem like a short while for some, but for the girl who spent her times collecting info at these places under the leaking roofs of distasteful establishments, it was a world away. The warm halls and open aired courtyards were simply memories being crushed by the weight of her current life.

 _This is my life now,_ she once again reminded her treacherous thoughts, _what's the point of wanting to go back when I couldn't anyways._ She had left the Jedi order of her own volition, god knows there's a small group of people so indispensable to the council that they would welcome them back after such a public rejection of their ways.

 _Cause that's what I am. Dispensible. But not him, oh of COURSE not, because he was just SO special that they would let him be reckless and stupid and abandon them because he's the fucking chosen one-_  
  
She slammed the mug onto the counter rougher than she intended, letting out a breath as a way of cooling her building frustration. Her blue eyes met their reflection in the red like liquid in her cup.

 _It's not his fault I'm not special, it's not his fault._ It was truly a struggle sometimes to remind herself of that. To remember that we don't choose who we are born as, and he was born as a strong force user that the order needed. He'd have moved on by now, it was time she did the same.   
  
 The dim lighting reflected off the mug, casting a murky reflection onto the bars rock counter, her eyes glanced up as the bartender returned to his post. Two of his hands working to clean a shot glass and another three wiping down the surface her arms had been just removed from a few minutes prior.

He was a regular looking person for this part of the city, hard gray skin, flinty black eyes, and teeth that had seen better days. He ignored Ahsoka, a small girl wrapped in a thin, black cloak staring into a half-empty ardees glass, to people like him who knew not of her background, she truly was just an urchin child.   
  
_You're wrong about that_ , war-hardened eyes watched his movements with practiced and fake disinterest, _you're wrong to think I couldn't take you down with my pinky._ She snorted into her glass, covering the noise as not to draw unwanted attention, at the thought. _I wouldn't need my pinky, I could take him out with the slightest use of the force._

The small smile dropped from her dirt coated face and she turned away from the previous view, _I could defeat a normal person like that easily, but a droid? Another padawan? I wouldn't stand a chance anymore. Not after 3 years of no training, no work, no honing my skills._  
  
She glanced at her hands, running fingers over the callouses that she had fought for day in and day out beside masters and clones, what she had earned through years of training and loneliness, what she had sacrificed a family for. Her hands dropped to her lap, the drink left without another thought, info gathering had been the point of this visit, perhaps to catch another odd job from some women who needed an old ex scared off because she couldn't pay him back, or men who needed an engineer to fix up their ship before they went off to loot some poor trader's goods.  
  
The girl did what she had to do, no room left for as many morals as the order hammered into her tattooed head. _I have finally become my own person. At last, I'm not An- I'm not someone's padawan or just another kid in a war that would only ever change the world by dying and feeding the grass, I'm more than that._  
  
They abandoned her, turned their backs on her, and now here she was surviving all alone in a dank old building where the air smelled of cigarettes and the water tasted like swamp slug eggs.   
  
The stool squeaked as she rose, the other patrons ignored the noise in favor of their own activities and she turned to leave the establishment before something caught her eye. _Wanted posters_ she realized as her feet took her closer to the paper covered wall. Hands ran over wrinkled parchment, where nameless faces were printed and displayed. _Is there a poster of me out there somewhere?_  
  
A quirk of her lips. _Probably not, I've never really stood out all that much, not when I was on the same battlefield as him,_ mind drifting to memories of whirling green sabers slicing through metal like butter, the power of seeing a platoon of clones rushing towards her enemy by her side, and finally the color of sapphire eyes and brown hair that was never bothered to be combed.  
  
Shaking her head, the thoughts were put out of mind to refocus on the mercenary jobs in front of her. Once again Ashoka turned her back to the wall and began to make her way out of the bar, when something tugged at her.

Somewhere in her stomach there was twinge where she could feel something pulling her. Turning back to scan the drawings again, _what's so special about a wall?_ _It's just a bunch of-_ she stopped at a familiar sight. The soft face of Padme Amidala gazed back at her from the ink, her beautiful hair upswept and elegant against the black of her dress and white of her jewels.   
  
_She truly is a sight_ , this time the smile slipped onto her lips and remained. _Padme's always been a honored and cherished friend, to both me and those I cared for, she's kind and fierce, the epitome of a strong leader._  
  
A pain in the chest, unrelated to the force, reminded the girl who was no longer truly a girl but a women, once again how much she missed the friends she'd made.

Even Barriss, the girl who had destroyed her faith in the Jedi and in herself, was associated with a longing for her companionship. The same pang of longing as the others, she was the first friend Ahsoka ever had that was equal to her in status, experience, and enthusiasm for becoming a knight.

She Ignored the constricting in her chest, to rip the paper off the wall, before calling out to the bartender who was once again in his own little world.    
  
"Hey, this wanted poster," She shook it to bring his attention to its picture. "Do you know who posted it?" He slapped his cleaning rag over his left shoulder as he regarded her, tiredly.   
  
"Nah, thems people come in with 'em and slap 'em up on that wall there," He pointed to the surface behind her. "Pr'lly some sniveling trout that she done crossed." He snorted in near amusement. "Not that, that there matters 'more."  
  
 Ahsoka stilled as she lowered it in confusion. _Didn't matter anymore...?_ Of course, it mattered, _she was the senator for Naboo, there was no way that the three years spent off the grid could ever change her position, she was far too loved by the people and Senate, and that's not even mentioning her ties to the Jedi order (him)._  
  
"How so?" She inquired cautiously, hand hovering by the empty saber holster as it always did in times of stress or worry.  
  
"Job's been taken, two 'ears ago I reckon." He glanced up to her eyes with his beady black pupils, reflecting the light of the small lamp fixtures. "An amateur, he was, should'a never made it far as he did. But not one of 'em doubters could argue with her casket the next mornin'."   
  
Breathing became a foreign concept as her lungs constricted in a panic unfelt in years. _Taken, completed, casket_ , the words echoed in her head on repeat, like a Wookiees feet pounding into her skull, _dead. She was dead. DEAD. She was DEAD._    
  
The world was silent and blurred as her mind processed this, she was taught to detect lies long ago, and he was not telling one. _She's gone. The first friend he ever made, the women I suspected was more than his friend, the girl who grew up with him. The fierce and beautiful Naboo princess I was always so inspired by._  
  
Padme Amidala had been assassinated a year after I left, and I wasn't there for Anakin while he lost the women he undoubtedly loved. **No** , Ahsoka's mind whimpered to her painful thoughts, **_please no._**


	2. Chapter two (because I have no creativity)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this chapter finally broke through some major writer's block. I wrote this in two hours and I'm definitely prouder of this one than my last chapter. I feel like it adds a new layer to everything and I'm super excited to see what you all think! Comment if there are any spelling errors (I don't have a beta reader), and I'll try my absolute best to catch the mistakes I can. Enjoy!

 Ahsoka’s sudden exit from the old pub certainly didn’t aid her jumbled thoughts, obviously living through a war, she’d seen plenty of death; but those were clones and Jedi.

They were warriors who chose to pick up their weapon. Chose to kill and stare death in the face, more like give death the middle finger, actually. Her breath fogged in the chilly air, soft gray wisps that disappeared into the breeze.

 _Guerdon’s,_ that was her destination. Done this alleyway, up this street, across this marketplace that sold nothing but roasted pests found in the gutter, and ratty old, stolen clothes. Into the break in the fence and allow herself to be enveloped into the darkness.

It had a truly wretched smell, this dank passage through the building’s wall.

Guerdon was a neimoidian, a greedy and cowardice species, yet talented in obtaining information. Crawling through the tunnel to the informant's lair, Ahsoka was reminded of her first weeks on the street, alone and cold, she had nowhere to go or idea on how to survive. Guerdon didn’t help her from any kindness or generosity in his withered old raisin of a heart, he bought her as an ally due to her skills, and just how much he could profit from them.

Teaching her how to steal and kill without leaving a trace, how to stalk someone without losing them in the bustling underbelly of the city, how to find a job that benefited her more than it benefited the poor whelp hiring the Togruta. She owed every horrid, greedy part of herself to his teachings, and Ahsoka could recognize his value as of this moment.

Information was what she needed and risking her life was the best way to get it, it was a gamble but it may just pay off. Blacklisted is a way to describe her after she does what she's about to do, blacklisted from ever being involved in another job that isn’t quite legal.

But this is **Padme.** And despite her shortcomings when it came to helping Ahsoka and supporting her in the ways it mattered, at least Padme tried. Not to mention what will happen now, he was never easy to control before when he still had those he cared about, he must have flown off the handle when he heard. _Good,_ A cruel voice in the back of head muttered. _Let him feel betrayed and abandoned, let him hurt._ Forgiveness was praised in the order, but for the life of her, Ahsoka couldn’t- And to be completely fair, he abandoned her first. 

 

* * *

 

She pushed herself up to a sitting position at the end of the tunnel and pushed her legs over the edge to hang over the room below. It was organized but full, after all, the point wasn’t to hide his information, it was to parade it. To show off just how powerful he was, as the old saying went; wisdom holds more power than strength can ever reach. It was every rumor that Guerdon spread, every whisper into a politicians ear, every secret shared with an employer that earned him his reputation. Down here a reputation may just be the difference between life and death. 

Swinging herself off the small ledge to land with the grace won through blood and sleepless nights, soundless and so blatantly practiced. 

“Guerdon!” She called through the white room, large metal shelves, boxes, and locked file cabinets covering the walls and black tile ordained the floor. 

“Ah… My dear Togruta, you have returned.”

His voice was oil and mud, slithering down her spine like melting ice, too silky and smooth for a gray-skinned and bulbous-eyed mob boss. His clothes were velvet and a deep maroon, meant to show his wealth and status as someone who need not dirty his hands or clothes through labor. HIs dark, inky eyes found her baby blues, as he always had, his ability to unsettle someone who should have more control in the situation truly astounded her. She was the ex-Jedi padawan, trained as a mercenary and he was a man who wouldn’t recognize a fighting stance if it was labeled. 

“I need information and I need to know your price for it.” Quick and to the point was her best bet, she wasn’t planning on paying the price but suspicion may arise if she didn’t at least ask. No time to spend two months hunting down some thug on the other half of the planet just because he owed Guerdon money or some shit. Ahsoka had more important things to do, which involved getting the most accurate information she could get about what exactly happened to her former friend.

Sure she could acquire gossip and a basic rundown from any bartender who’s a little bored and unafraid to be loose-lipped, but to know what the exact weapon was that did the job, the date down to the minute, death certificate, names of every witness, that was attainable through only one person. The stone-cold bastard standing in front of her, smirking like he could read her thoughts and was imagining what to do with her bloody corpse once he preserved it. 

“Sweetheart, I would be most pleased to assist your…” He waved his hand for dramatic effect. “Escapades.” He finished, condescendence practically dripping down his chin like drool. 

“That’s kind of you, Guerdon. I only need information about a death a few years back.” He cocked his head with interest.

“Death? How unfortunate such actions are needed. Am I to take it that this individual was important to you? A lover perhaps…” It was those moments that Ahsoka truly wished she had never left the temple. Being leered at by a man with so much power over her, asking for his favor as he reminded her of every reason she wanted to tear his spine out through his ear. Unpleasant memories nearly resurfaced as his voice inquired about her romantic relations.

 _That’s none of your business,_ she wanted to scream, _You don’t own me anymore, you have no right- no right to that part of me._ **_No right._ **But she kept her face passive and responded evenly as she had been taught oh so carefully.

“Padme Amidala, I need everything you have on her. Her killer, death certificate, murder weapon, everything.” Straightening she channeled every bit of false confidence she didn’t have into her next words. “You’re the only one in this city who can give me that.”

“Hmmmm….” He stroked his chin in consideration, “What you want is easily given, yet what I would require in return… well, that brings quite the personal toll to the one who must gift it.”

“Anything you ask, I will do. I have never cheated you before, and I have no interest in ruining my **career** , by doing so.”

“You always did exhibit such cleverness.” His chuckles boomed in an echoing symphony, ringing in her ear like gunshots. “The cost is simple, obedience. You will return to me the relationship enjoyed before your unfortunate departure and turn to new work. It will be as if you had never chosen to leave my home, it will be just as it was before.”

As it was before- as it was before- asi t wa sbefore- asitw asbefore- **_NO._ ** _Don’t react, don’t go back to that place. Strong, your strong and powerful and a Jedi padawan once and your not going back never going back not back not abcak tsb-_ The panic and fear bubbling in her gut was a sharp, nostalgic remembrance of her first two years on her own. Not on her own, not really, but on her own in regards to the people who cared for her and held her love. She was kept company by the vile criminals of Guerdon’s lair and himself.

He was- He- He **taught** her more than she ever hoped to learn, more than most young girls ever do learn, but at least now she was ready. For any circumstance that could befall her, she was ready, after all, Guerdon’s teachings were quite… thorough. But she was leaving that part of her life behind, for good this time. Forever. She would never have to be afraid of her shadow ever again, she would find peace.

She was done running, and sadly it took a death for her brain to be jumpstarted and realize that, but she’d finally refound a purpose. She would bring justice for Padme, discover her place once and for all, and perhaps she would see the Jedi council member that had been more of a father figure to her than the man who helped create her. 

“I accept your deal, but I’ll need two months to finish this investigation and finish with the information.” _Two months and I’ll be long gone, across the galaxy and far out of your reach._ She could’ve left the planet and found a new life three years ago when she first left. She hadn’t, she had lost the drive and determination and bravery to do so, but now she would rectify that decision. 

“You have one month to do as you must and please your curiosities before I come to collect what is mine. I trust we both understand that you will be retrieved despite your location, a predetermined rendezvous is unneeded.” _No matter where you run, I will always find you._ It wasn’t an off-handed comment, it was a threat just in case she ran.

Which she would, but that was what he could never expect despite his endless paranoia. That the girl he’d groomed for so long could defy every one of his expectations of her and forgive the people who she blamed for casting her out. That she would return to a home that she had never felt quite at home in, and that she would be accepted. To go back to the temple and glean whatever she could from Jedi master Yoda about the situation, it was contradicting the bitterness he had come to see as part of her personality. Oh, how satisfying it would be to know she had outsmarted the man most people saw as unbeatable. Her hands tightened to fists from where they were hidden behind her back.

Checkmate, bitch. 

“The files.” He announced grandiosely as he withdrew them from one of his sleek, metal filing cabinets and presented it to her with his withered, pocketed hand. 

“Thank you.” The words tasted like bile on her tongue despite the layer of sugar she liberally applied to each vowel.

“I’ll be back as soon as the month is up.” She lied through her fucking teeth. Turning, her head tails swung over her shoulder to her back, white and blue stripes that clashed with her tanned complexion. The welcoming darkness of the exit tunnel still reeked of vermin and decay, but it seemed just that bit more bearable with the reminder buzzing in the back of her head, that this was the last time she would ever need to live in the shadows. Soon she would finally step back into the light where she belonged.


	3. Walking a path that went up in smoke

Ahsoka hadn’t known a warm and comfortable living space for the three years she was on her own, but she had the “fortune” of owning a small apartment by the dump. Cramped and crawling with rats as it was, she had no roommates and thankfully, some privacy. She collapsed onto her ratty, old couch that sat between the bathroom and icebox.  _ At least I have my own personal bathroom here, unlike the order.  _ It was a sarcastic thought and only served to send that familiar longing for the luxury of her adolescence, sharply through her stomach like a bolt of fire.

Impatient to get into the files, Ahsoka dumped them on the small table she owned, probably meant for drinks, and got to work sorting them. There were a few files on promotions for officers, some papers on arrests made that went to the council for approval, even one on clone trooper production that caused her to pause. Because it was signed by a large number of senators… It was signed by  _ Naboo.  _

 

Padme’s planet. 

 

Tossing away the rest of the documents, she absentmindedly fiddled with the paper’s edge. It was old if the yellowing parchment was anything to go off of, and the signature certainly wasn’t Padme’s. Quarsh Panaka, whoever that was, seemed to have taken over as Naboo’s senator, and as she furrowed her brows at the paper, a thought began to emerge in her mind. 

 

She ignored the paper cuts covering her hands from her furious handling of the files, snapping open each one to check inside for a signature from “Quarsh.” One after another, she slowly began building a small tower on the left edge of the table, documents that he had approved of. And as she suspected, not one of them alined with what Padme had stood for. They seemed to contradict what she thought Naboo supported, a quarter of them being requests for more clones to be produced, which were all  _ approved.  _

 

Either Ahsoka hadn’t known her friend as well as she thought she had, or this man that replaced Padme wasn’t working for Naboo’s best interest at all. It was disconcerting. Knowing that she had been here, in this flea-bitten underbelly for years, while someone she considered family  _ died,  _ and corruption had begun spreading throughout the senate from the festering wound the former queen had left behind. 

 

She huffed a laugh, tinged just slightly with hysteria,  _ I’ve had an interest in returning to the rest of the world for less than a week and I’ve already uncovered a government conspiracy.  _

 

_ God, Anakin would storm the counsel if he ever heard about- _

 

_ Oh.  _

 

_ OH. _

 

And it hit her like a sack of bricks. 

 

If she could discover the truth so easily, then everyone else probably already had.  _ Years  _ ago. And if Anakin hadn’t started on a warpath in his hunt for justice, then he must not have been told. 

 

She couldn’t hold her flinch at the thought. 

 

_ And if I decide to take this path, then we’ll meet again, and for his own sake, I can never tell him the truth.  _ Perhaps once the killer is found, they would let him know about the reasons she really died, but she could not tell him before, as horrible as it made her feel. He would have hunted down the killer himself, or at least tried to, and probably gotten someone killed in the process. 

 

Memories of Obi-Wan faking his death back when she and Anakin were still Padawan and Master, swam before her eyes as she finally allowed herself to reminisce. He had been unstoppable when it came to avenging his master’s death, and the council hadn’t bothered to inform him of the plan for that exact reason. If Anakin had done anything else but chase the mercenaries across the galaxy, beating them within an inch of their lives at every opportunity, they would have immediately grown suspicious. 

 

Even when he’d had one of the bounty hunters at his mercy on Tanganese, and she’d grabbed onto his arm as it raised his saber and she’d begged him not to.  _ This isn’t you! What would Master Kenobi say?! Anakin! _

 

She had cried and screamed at him not to, to stop and realized what he was doing was wrong. She’d watched the corpse in horror as its head lay several feet away. In her shocked state, the words couldn’t seem to come to her lips, so she’d crawled to the head on her knees where she’d fallen pleading with Anakin to remember himself. 

 

Ahsoka had cradled that bloodied head in her hands as puss oozed from blistering burns and the flesh smelled of decay and rot. She had refused to move, refused to do anything but sit there before their ship and stare at the man her Master had beheaded. 

 

Out of hatred and revenge. Motives of a sith. 

 

_ I thought you were supposed to be a good guy?  _

 

It had been a faint whisper, she hadn’t been able to tell if he’d heard it from his place behind her, but the feel of his presence told her he had. Her naive, broken question that had truly begun her pull away from the order. He hadn’t said a word, just lowered himself to the ground behind her back, as she could tell from the sound of shifting dirt, and rested his forehead against her shoulder. 

 

And she had let go of the head. 

 

Anakin’s temper was known as a fearsome thing all across the galaxy. That was what she was exposed to at it’s very worst on that day. His forgiveness, however, was a much rarer sight, one she had doubted even existed at that moment, sitting on the ground next to a dead man. 

 

His forgiveness is precious, and not made for the likes of you, a small, sickly part of her mind whispered. She shoved it away, back to the dark cage she kept those thoughts locked in. 

 

It wasn’t her fault. 

 

She didn’t  _ need  _ his forgiveness. 

 

He had abandoned her, just as the Jedi Council had.  _ They  _ left  _ her  _ behind first, she just returned the favor. She was free from all their rules and prejudice tying her down, like chains bound by keyless locks. But here, in this disgusting excuse for a home, she was allowed to be more human than she ever was with the Jedi. 

 

And isn’t that fucked up?

 

A giggle that sounded so much more like a sob escaped her. God, it hurt to remember all the strong emotions brought on by her childhood, all returning in one wave of memories. It was far too much, and at the same time the part of her that would like nothing more than to run back to the gray walls of the temple, insisted the memories were not enough at all. It was all the longing she’d denied herself to feel rushing back all at once, fueled by the discovery of the treachery Padme faced, washing over her like a warm embrace. 

 

_ Home  _ it called,  _ go home.  _

 

And standing in that apartment, faced with real evidence of her friend’s unsolved murder being a political move by some unknown figure, she let herself breathe. In out, in out, in out. Slowly weakening the pounding of her heart and bringing it back to its regular pace. 

 

If she was going to do this, to return where she vowed never to go crying back to, she needed to know it was right with every fiber of her being. She needed a moment to collect her thoughts and feelings and  _ really really  _ feel the fire in her belly urging her to pick this path because once it was chosen, there was no going back. 

 

She may have escaped Anakin once, but it would not happen again, she knew this for certain. 

 

Yet when she opened the eyes she had clenched tightly shut, there was nothing but determination dwelling behind her sapphire irises. 

 

She seemed to have finally found the purpose she had been searching for, long before she ever met a bearded Jedi master and his wayward pupil. 

  
  
  


The temple looked much the same as it had when she left. 

 

The steps stretched far from the door, down an elongated path of cement, gradually bringing you up from the ground to the level of the entrance. It was extravagant, in a way, to have this be how each person entered the temple, walking up small steps that hardly seemed to have an incline at all, for a good 30 yards at the least. 

 

She remembered this place more than anything else. 

 

Her feet slowed on the very last step, waiting as if someone else was going to give her permission to stand before the door without the obstacle of  _ one step  _ in her way. 

 

This was no place special, it wasn’t somewhere she had many memories of either. In fact, she had only one memory she could recall that took place on these steps, and that was the one memory that mattered the most in the end. 

 

Ahsoka had served the Jedi her entire life. She had grown up in a training yard, been put to sleep by temple caretakers, and read stories that held nothing but educational information instead of the fairytales other children got to read. 

 

She’d seen it often when browsing small shops nestled into dark alleyways and leaky roofs the owner hadn’t the money to fix. Mother’s who cared so deeply for their children that they would trade their meals, oftentimes even their virtue, for toys and books for their kids. Mother’s were an amazing anomaly in that way. In times that human nature would make anyone else turn away and leave a more vulnerable being to die, a mother loves far too deeply to ever abandon their offspring. 

 

Well. 

 

The  _ good  _ mothers anyway. 

 

Ahsoka had also seen horrid mothers while on the streets, mothers who hoarded their food and locked their children in a closet they called a bedroom. One night, through the rain and the blistering wind of a storm, on her way home, she had seen a mother dragging a poor girl along behind her as the child begged and pleaded and screamed. 

 

Ahsoka had seen plenty of that as well. It wasn’t always mothers that sold their virtue and it wasn’t always willingly. 

 

And Ahsoka had turned her back and kept walking. 

 

After all the order had stolen from her when they took her away from her home planet Shili, she could at least consider what would have happened if the order hadn’t come and her parents hadn’t loved her. Who knows? Maybe they hadn’t, it wasn’t something she would ever know for sure. The politicians of the world loved to pretend that men were knights in shining armor and women were beautiful princesses that married their true loves, but the sad truth was that the world was a much darker place than they ever told the public. Rose-tinted glasses were fine until you were confronted with the monstrosities of the world. Then they slipped and distorted and shattered.

 

Ahsoka had learned her lesson about the glasses she’d had slapped from her face as a young teenager, and they’d taught her to never love someone completely. A bit? Fine. As a good friend? It’s doable. But totally and mind consumingly? No. In the end, you gained nothing from it, and trust was lost in the struggle of lips upon lips. It simply wasn’t worth it.

 

It was much like the order themselves. 

 

To believe in it completely would get you killed. 

 

To believe in it a bit would get you far and a much longer life. 

 

To believe in it but remain skeptical and calculating of motive, that was the compromise between the two. And Ahsoka had made the mistake of starting at completely and plummeting to not at all. And she’d hit every damn branch on the way down. 

 

She would remain at the ground this time, looking up at all the ideals she used to embody so fully as a child, and she would stay landlocked as others climbed and fell to their end. 

 

Striding forward, she swung the doors open with a hard shove and the oak slabs easily conceded to welcome her back to the place she’d once called home. 

 

And the halls were completely empty. 

 

A bit put out, she hesitated by the door, just on the cusp of being inside but not quite there yet. It was so strange to experience the lack of bustling figures and quiet footsteps echoing through the path. It hardly seemed to matter to her in the end, for as soon as she saw the courtyards on either side of the tanned hallway, her mind was lost to the past. 

 

The large openings on either side of her revealed the blooming Uneti trees who had once again become encased in flowering blossoms the color of warmed moof juice. Their long, winding trunks seemed to reach towards the sky, their branches climbing upwards towards the clouds, and their roots, large and visible above the soil, were no longer big enough for her to sit on as she had as a child. 

 

Sitting below the leaves and reading a text on lightsabers or practicing using the force on the scattered twigs had been one of her favorites pastimes as a youngling. It was so free in the small courtyards and the air was so fresh compared to the dusty libraries and classrooms. But out here, in the sunlight and the breeze, Ahsoka had been truly happy. 

 

She had been alone, as she spent nearly all of her time both past and present, but happy nonetheless. 

 

It was surreal being back there, the grass brushing her boots and soil crunching softly under each step. She took a deep breath and held it in until her lungs protested something fierce and she slowly released the captured air. It sighed out from between her lips, slipping off her tongue and through her teeth, whispering as it returned to the breeze passing through the trees’ branches. 

 

“Return, seen you, I have.” 

 

Her breath stuttered in her throat and she whirled to face the new voice. 

 

It had been years, but Master Yoda remained untouched by the centuries he had lived through. White hair thinning atop his wrinkled head, and harsh lines earned from battles and the stress of leading an order into war, he looked as if he had not aged since she left. 

 

Older, she supposed she thought everyone would be. Ahsoka certainly looked different, it was only natural to assume everyone else would as well, but the Jedi’s fiercest warrior proved her wrong in startling bluntness. 

 

He had, with the others of the council, condemned her to punishment for a crime she was innocent of. He had stood aside and let her be sentenced to a trial before the whole of the senate to decide her fate. And she had looked him in the eye and told him  _ no  _ when he’d asked her to stay. To forgive them for their folly and return to the ranks they themselves had pulled her from. 

 

She had refused him, turned her back, and left. 

 

Ahsoka knew the Jedi master was not one to hold hatred or anger within himself, but to stare into his eyes, golden as honey and sparkling with a glow she wished still existed in her own eyes, and seeing nothing but compassion and- and  _ love…  _ It took her breath away. 

 

He, without a word, spoke to her as if she was precious and loved, and had finally come home to her family. No one had ever looked at her like that. Like her presence itself was something to celebrate, like she was  _ special.  _

 

A lump lodged in the back of her throat and her chest constricted tightly as if a boulder blocking a stream had finally begun to shake. And as she remembered every cruel look, every beating, every time someone had looked at her and said they wanted someone else, every time someone looked at her and they’re eyes screamed disappointed, of every time she’d sat before the trees in the temple’s gardens and  _ hidden away because she couldn’t bear to look at her caretakers when they just told her that  _ **_another_ ** _ Master came for a padawan and they had  _ **_suggested her_ ** _ and they had said  _ **_no and chosen someone else-_ **

 

The boulder was finally, after three years, shoved lose and down the stream, it went as the water gushed forward. 

 

Her vision blurred with the tears she had never been allowed to cry, not in the order, not on the streets, only ever where no one else could see them. Tears she had wished a mother had been there to wipe away and smooth back her head tails and tell her  _ it’s alright to cry-  _

 

“Master- I’m sorry I just-” A sob choked back her words and she covered her face with her hands in hopes he wouldn’t think her too weak to even cover her despair. But all she felt was a warm, wrinkled hand curling around her arm in a gentle grasp, pulling her down to her knees with a softness she had not experienced in over a decade, and wrapping her up in two arms that should be much too short to hold her like a child.  

 

Master Yoda stood holding her as she sobbed, tears soaking into his tunic, without a care in the world for the spectacle she was making. He patted her head as she’d seen fathers do to sons, and reached out with the force to calm her as best he could. As her weeping began to subside and the tears slowed to a standstill, Ahsoka realized that he was-

 

He was humming. 

 

Something high and airy, much too delicate for his wizened voice, yet he found a way to blend the melody and his tone into something homey, and warm. It sounded like a lullaby she’d once been sung when she was only a few name days old. A new caretaker had been assigned to their pre-sect, a young woman who had only just finished her schooling, and she had not known they were banned from being given anything sentimental at such an impressional age. 

 

The woman’s brown locks had been thick and always tied back into a half up half down hairstyle, as she could never quite seem to get it all up in a bun, and the night she had sung Ahsoka her first lullaby, her hair had been taken down. The strands had framed her heart-shaped face and brushed the ivory skin in a way she had remembered as beautiful. 

 

But when Ahsoka had asked if this woman was her mother, if she’d come to take her back home, the women’s dark, bronze eyes had widened in distress and panic. She had hushed down the youngling and assured her they had no familial connection, tucking her in gently and whispering to Ahsoka that she must never say something like that again. 

 

She had cried the next day when their teacher had informed them, the woman had been sent back to training and would return to her duty at a different temple on a different planet. 

 

“Cry, do we all. But wipe away the sorrow, we will.” He cupped her face, his claws brushing the bone of her cheek in a reassuring gesture, a faint smile tinting his lips. “Home, you have come, young one. To bring him back to the light, now you must.” 

 

She knew who he meant when he said “he” but still she asked. 

 

“Who?” A part of her shoved away the truth to hide away from the confrontation soon to follow this decision, but another part of her, the stronger part, yearned to race for the nearest spaceship and find him wherever he was in the galaxy. 

 

“Quickly, you must go, a long time, waiting he has been.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna have sporadic updates my dudes, I’m still in school so that’s fun. Nothing like public humiliation to start my every day, seriously though I hate gym class. Okay well, this is my first ever posted work and my worst enemy is grammar so If you catch anything TELL ME. If you like it, leave a kudos...?


End file.
